2:41 AM

Life is so routine for me. Wake up, ditch a class, go to the other two, eat, nap, sleep, repeat. There's the occasional Boba Tea House runs or the trips to Disneyland but those two just feel like a second & third home. I know it's cliche to say "I need something new in my life", but honestly, I do. Sometimes I wonder how life would be like if I went to a different school. A completely different setting, surrounded by completely different people, doing completely different things. Would my study habits be the same? Would I become more of an extrovert or an introvert? Would I be doing other things? Don't get me wrong - I'm grateful for everything I have now, but a breath of fresh air every now & then would be nice. Maybe I'll go through some lifechanging event during spring break or summer vacation. Hopefully.

On a side note though, Heat was surprisingly fun! Porter Robinson kinda got me into EDM a little more, but to be honest, I still don't understand how people can listen to songs without lyrics & not stress out throughout the buildups before the drops. I kinda wanna go to a rave a) just to say that I've gone to one & b) to see if I can get more used to EDM. Who0o0o look at that - already forming an idea for a new experience.

2:17 AM

It's baffling how tongue tied I get whenever I feel like the most important things need to be said. What I need is reassurance that this isn't a waste of my time. I need some sort of solid ground to put my feet on because as of right now, I feel like I'm walking on glass & I'm terrified of taking a wrong step & getting hurt. I'm sick of catering to people & not getting anything in return. I'm done living solely in the present. The future has never seemed so close & I've never felt so unprepared for it. 

10:13 PM

Honestly, it kinda hurts knowing I'm not the one you think about at times like this. What do you expect me to do in a situation like right now? Just sit here like a little puppy & wait for you to stop living in the past? And you wonder why we're not giving this whole thing a shot.

10:58 PM

I had a dream you rang my doorbell & when I opened the door, you were at my doorstep holding a bouquet of tulips. You then picked off a petal & put it in your mouth to remind me of why you think tulips are stupid because people used to eat them, but I thought it was the cutest thing because even though you hate tulips, you went out of your way to get me a bouquet because they're my favorite. It was a really nice surprise & I was upset when I woke up because I knew it would be a while before anything of that sort happens.

2:29 AM

I know I've been a shit friend & I know that what I'm doing doesn't seem fair to you, but honestly, I can't help it. I don't understand why it's so hard for you to hit me up every once in a while & how easy it is for you to get so pissed because I already have plans. But I guess I owe it to you because if it weren't for you, I'd be completely fucked in the situation I'm in right now. As for the other thing, I don't think it's fair that you're telling me who I can & can't be friends with. I understand you're "looking out for me," but is that really what you're doing? You know I'm the type of person that needs to experience things for myself - whether it's failure or heartbreak or just shitty friendships/relationships. & I appreciate that you gave me a heads up, but in the end, doesn't it all come down to me? You can say your "I told you so"s later, but as for right now, I think I'm allowed to do what I want. Maybe I'm being selfish, or maybe you are, but I don't like where this is heading & I'm actually kinda terrified for the outcome.