last year.

"i read on like a website that it's better to ask than to ask yourself the question 'should i or should i not?'. if he says no, then who cares ? there's more fish in the sea and there will be one fish that steals your heart and keeps it with him forever. just do what you think is right; don't keep questioning yourself."

you said this to me last year, back when we were still friends & i went to you for every single little (and big) thing. i miss you like crazy & tend to re-read this conversation over & over again on days like this. it makes me cry every time i read it. maybe it was because you were so damn sweet, or because we don't talk anymore. every time i hear someone say the whole "fish in the sea" thing, the first thing i think of is you. i really wish things were different with us. you have no idea how much you meant to me & it pisses me off that i don't know why i can't bring myself to talk to you again. you read me like the back of your hand & i always wondered how you had that sixth sense of knowing when i was down. i really want to just sit with you for hours & talk like how we used to last year. i miss you. really.

throwbaaaacks.

"and i wonder if i ever cross your mind. for me, it happens all the time. it's a quarter after one, i'm a little drunk and i need you now."- need you now ; lady antebellum

i need more throwbacks, so here you go. not that anyone reads this anymore, but if you are, try & guess who you are. unless you're not in here, haaaah.

1. i love the smell your jackets rub off on me whenever i wear them, your smile, your sixth sense of knowing whenever something's up, your hair, your laugh, your arms whenever they’re around me, the small & ridiculous things you do to make me laugh, your voice, the fact that you actually keep your promises, your hugs, that you’re always down to talk, your perfect height, the songs you listen to, when you call me, our pointless conversations, when you grab me by the neck/waist/arm, how you know when to talk or when to shut up, when you catch me staring, your remarks, your sarcasm, walking with you, & you in general. well. i don't think it's love right now, but lowkey, you're all i think about now. i wish you weren't cuhs you're occupying 165418% of my thoughts & i can't focus on anything else, really.

2. lately, i've been so frickin' annoyed with you. i told you i'd always be here for you, but you know better than to ask me for things that i can't give you. the mistakes you are making lately are really bugging me, cuhs you always come complaining about them to me when i told you not to do it in the first place. i don't know. maybe it's just cuhs i'm on my period & i'm easily irritated. give me a week & hopefully, things will go back to normal.

3. i hate that i'm so fake with you. there are so many things i need to confront you about, but i just can't bring myself to. you've hit my most sensitive spot, well. what was, & i still can't bring myself to forgive you for it.

4. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. i hate your guts. you & your dictatorship can suck my nonexistant dick. you have made choir suck ass for me this year, & now i'm questioning whether i should do it next year. i can't wait till this year is over & you're finally out of my life. i hope you don't come visit next year, cuhs you're not getting any hugs like kayla. i love that you're so oblivious of all the hatred that's vibed (is that a word ? hahahah.) towards you during class & practice. whatever, more fun for us, haaaah.

5. it's still awkward whenever i see you, but honestly, i wouldn't have it any other way. i'm glad that i finally moved on cuhs you were a waste of a couple of months. i have to admit though, there were times when it was pretty worth it. but if i were to weigh things out, i'd say i'm happier without you. you can go do things with #3 behind my back now, & i promise you, when i find out, i won't trip balls over it anymore. (:

6. i miss you. so so so so much. i see you sometimes during passing period & i get flashbacks of freshman & sophomore year with you. you were seriously one of the best friends i ever had. i really hate that you're hanging out with that group now. you tell me you miss me & we need a day to catch up & chill, and i'm seriously waiting for that day. re-enter my life now, pleaaaase. ):

7. you're on my binder now. i see you EVERYDAY during passing, and i know you see me too. sometimes i wonder how things would be if we didn't stop talking. i still don't understand why we stopped, but maybe it was for the better ? idk, that's what i'm telling myself. i miss the feeling of needing to talk to you whenever i don't feel like talking to anyone else. sometimes i re-read our long conversations & your hilarious comments, and they still bring a smile to my face.

fridays. ♥

TGIF, ferreals ! longest day ever. i won't really go into details. i was still really irritated with the world, especially with one person in particular. but whatevs. basic was fun (: but i started dozing off after jessica & christina were filling us in on the proposals from last week. OMG, cutest stuff ever ! (: my future husband better come up with something as creative as jordan. hehehe. talked to victorious about some stuff cuhs i haven't seen her in fo'evaaaa. poor chica, i swear, i'm gonna castrate a boy. shit. -___- anyways, i called home at 10 to tell joshua to tell janice to pick me up. nigga doesn't even tell her cuhs he's too damn busy with his gay computer games. so i end up calling janice with jillian's phone an hour later & she wakes up & is like "you need a ride home ?" so uh. yeah, it's 11:44 & i just got home & i'm tired as faaaaawk, so good night. (:

hahahah.

i feel like no one reads this shit anymore. i remember when i first made a blogger, i updated everyday. now i don't even bother to check up on this, let alone blog. but i guess i can use this to vent/write about things i wouldn't really write anywhere else.

well first off. two competitions next week - brea olinda & hart encore. stalin's still the same ol' bitch that she is. i really can't wait till she graduates & i don't have to put up with her anymore. dumb bitch told us we didn't have to go to hart, so a couple of the girls scheduled their sats on that day. and yesterday, apparently she told us we were going & she blames them for scheduling it on the 13th. she swears like we're her fucking minions. i told karen, christine, & jane to just take their goddamn sats. they paid almost $50 for that, and stalin wants them to just throw it away for some fucking competition that we're not even gonna place at ? uhm, haaailz no. i joined solitaire this year because after i watched the spring concert last year, i wanted to be a part of that "family". as cheesy as that sounds, those girls were amazing. i used to look forward to choir in the beginning of the year. but now, i can't stand even being outside of it during passing period. i sit outside with eric & alexis until the bell fucking rings for a reason. every second i'm not inside the choir room is heaven. the happy vibe isn't in there anymore. solitaire has divided into little cliques of their own & there are some girls that i don't even know. we have so many goddamn dictators & every single practice seems like bootcamp. really, you're not gonna let us perform that week if we're late to practice ? what kind of a fucking punishment is that. yeah, i can't even fucking go on. i'm so pissed that i can't even rant about choir anymore.

second, i really think i'm gonna start my period soon cuhs i've just been the most cynical bitch ever. i want to snap at everyone and i've just been getting so damn annoyed lately. all i've been doing is cranking up my music to maximum level so it drowns out everything. everytime someone talks to me in this goddamn house, i just interrupt them & tell them to shut the fuck up. which kinda fucks me over cuhs they're like "excuse me ?" but. idk. haaah, i just wanna give the world the biggest slap ever, then sleep. fat lazy fuck ? yuhp.

haaaah, i'm just rambling on & on & on, aren't i ? it's 10:30. i should sleep. bye for now, oh lovely blog of mine.

is it you ? - cassie

i'm looking for a lover not a friend,
somebody who can be there when i need someone to talk to.
i'm looking for someone who won't pretend,
somebody not afraid to say the way they feel about you.

and i'm looking for someone who understands
how i feel, someone who can keep it real.
and who knows the way,
the way i like to have it my way.
and i'm looking for someone who takes me there,
wants to share, shows he cares.
thinkin' you're the one that i've been waiting for.

[chorus]
is it you? is it you?
maybe you're the one i've been waiting for.
could you be the one for me?
could you be the one i need?
is it you? is it you?
maybe you're the one i've been waiting for.
could you be the one for me?
could you be the one i need?

i'm looking for someone to share my pain,
someone who i can run to,
who will stay with me when it rains.
someone who i can cry with through the night.
someone who i can trust whose heart is right.
and i'm looking for someone.

and i'm looking for someone who understands
how i feel, someone who can keep it real.
and who knows the way,
the way i like to have it my way.
and i'm looking for someone who takes me there,
wants to share, shows he cares.
thinkin' you're the one that i've been waiting for.

[chorus]

who won't take for granted how much i care,
appreciates that i'm there, someone who listens.
and someone i can call who isn't afraid of love to share.

[chorus]